| In my place, in my place Were lines that I couldn't change. |
[Oct. 27th, 2010|12:41 am] |
Slut. Whore. Fuck-up.
Those are just some of the words that i feel about myself right now. I just don't like myself right now. And I haven't felt this way, in almost 5 years. I know the things I've done really don't make me a slut, or a whore. I haven't even slept with these guys.But compared to all my friends right now, who basically are all in some sort of relationship, i look and feel like one. As a 20 year old girl, single, living at college, hooking up with a few different a guys a month isn't that slutty. And i know them, well sort of. Some of my friends here are literally looking at me and saying "I don't know how you do it katie, go to a party, and always find a guy to be making out with by the end of the night" or "Even though your the single one, you get more ass than us!" and they all laugh, thinking how funny and cute my life style is, and i laugh too, because i don't know what else to do.
I'm not cut out for this shit, I'm a relationship gal. I live for the cute nights in, the movie watching, the going out with your friends, but knowing someone is home waiting for you. I hate these physical feeling only hookups where i go to bed a lone, feeling like a used loser. I live for holding hands, and sharing secrets under the sheets.
I keep thinking about him. This time of year always does. I can't believe two years ago from this month was when things started to happen. This is when we started to get to know each other, have more alone time, go on dates. I always wonder when will I ever have something like we had. Yes there were horrible events, many ridiculous fights, and screaming/crying matches galore. And the last year of us thats all I saw, just all the bad things, all the shitty things he did, and the shitty things i did. But lately I've been just thinking about the good times. I remember laying in his bed, staying there till at least 4am, before his mom go up for work, not even sleeping. Just laying there, listening to each others heartbeats, stealing kisses under the sheet,sharing secrets with each other. I told him all about my cutting, showed him my scars. Some of my best friends don't even know about that. And he would lay there, truly interested, asking my questions. Questions I didn't even know how to answer, and I loved that. He pushed me, he made me think.
At this point in my life I really don't know when I will ever have that kind of intimate relationship. Where you feel like you can share everything without saying a word. Telling them all your secrets, without regrets. I sometimes look back at those great times, and compare them to the bad times. They seem like two completely different relationships, with two completely different people.
Don't worry, I don't want anything to do with him at all. I just want that feeling back. And i'm scared I won't get it for a long, long time.
My best friend here at school started going out with her boy thing. He finally asked her out, and I am so happy for her. She's so giddy, and just so fucking happy. She deserves the world, and I wouldn't want anything less for her. But I feel so horrible, coz the entire time I'm looking at her, I can't help but wonder, "When's my turn?"
"Yeah, how long must you wait for him?" - "In my place" Coldplay |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
pahlease's journal
happy
anxious
stressed
blank